After a death has occurred in a child's life, special occasions, holidays and time at school can be especially challenging. Families and educators can use the following information and strategies for supporting children during these critical times: I think you can delete the "Grief During Holidays - Grieving Students" line and just insert the following replacement sentence for the one above: "After a death has occurred in a child's life, special occasions, holidays and time at school can be especially challenging. Families and educators can use the following resources for supporting children during these critical times:"

Grief Resources
www.adec.org
www.centering.org
www.centerforloss.com
www.compassionbooks.com
www.compassionatefriends.org
www.dougy.org
www.hospicefoundation.org
www.oregonhospice.org
www.webhealing.com
www.4kidswithcancer.org

Holidays & Families in Grief

Special occasions such as holidays and birthdays often accentuate the acute pain of grief. Times that call for merriment are now sad and difficult. There is greater expectation for participation in holiday activities as well. Stress on a family in grief will naturally increase when extra demands are made on the family’s physical and emotional energy. Knowing and understanding what each family member needs and wants from the holidays will greatly enhance the family’s emotional survival.

Prepare ways for you and your family to celebrate the holidays. That will ease the pain of the changes that have taken place because of the death. The following are some suggestions for preparation of the holidays:

Have a family meeting. Discuss what each family member needs and/or expects to see happen in order for this to be a “holiday.” Some topics that could be discussed are gifts, special meals, memorials for the person who died, specific family rituals of the past, helping others in need, guests, decorations and/or parties. Some families may not wish to observe any holiday traditions and that is okay, too. But decide what are the most important things for each family member.

Talk about realistic limits. Working through one’s grief can be exhausting. Fatigue is a normal reaction to grief. What limits can be placed that acknowledge the needs of the individual as well as the family unit as a whole?

Make a list of the various things that were selected. Decide who is willing to do certain tasks and when they will be accomplished. This list is to be open for renegotiation when necessary and to be regarded with flexibility.

Try to maintain a balance in what you do during the holidays. Balance time spent alone with time spent with others. Be aware of you and your family’s need for a balanced and nutritious diet, especially at this time of the year. Lessen intakes of sugar, caffeine and alcohol. Be sure to include exercise and plenty of rest periods. Remember to breathe deeply from the belly, relaxing the body more fully as opposed to the shallow breathing from the upper chest.

If it is the family’s desire, remember the person who died. Recalling memories of the person or having a meaningful ritual in their honor, or possibly making a charitable donation in memory of the deceased can bring comfort to those in grief.

Each person’s grief is unique. Allow emotional and physical space for each one in the family to grieve in their own time and manner. Avoid judgments of others. Talk about your feelings but do not expect others to feel exactly the way you do. Listen to each other. Try to imagine what this loss is like for the others.

Hold at least one follow- up family meeting. Check in with each other to see if your plans still fit into your family’s life. Now is a good time to acknowledge the ways that this holiday is different. Express and feel your feelings about these changes. Revamp earlier plans that do not feel beneficial to the family.

Holidays can provide opportunities for the family to understand what has happened after the death of a loved one, be able to express feelings about the death and continue to live fully in the now while being open to the future. Knowing and understanding each others’ needs and desires surrounding the holidays will provide the framework for your family to experience and survive the holidays.

Teaming Up to Support Grieving Students

  • Teachers need to be aware that a death has occurred in the child’s life, even if the death occurred in a previous school year. This is often communicated with elementary school teachers but not always done in upper grades.
  • Kids need to express what we at MTC call “The Big Energy of Grief”, such as running around, being loud, using large motor muscles. Because kids need to expend physical and emotional energy, it is helpful to have alternative methods to address misbehavior or academic problems rather than being denied recess, PE, or their play period at lunch.
  • It is important to establish a plan for kids when they have a “grief attack” or emotional meltdown at school, such as going to the bathroom or nurse’s or principal’s office. A note or signal could be used to communicate to the teacher so the child isn’t expected to verbalize in front of the class his/her needs.
  • Flexibility with assignments and tests can also assist the child academically.
  • It’s helpful to remember that angry or acting_out children are hurting children, rather than kids trying to be difficult. Understanding the context of acting_out behaviors invites understanding.
  • Grieving never ends. It is not something the student will “get over.” Compassion and understanding can go a long way in helping a child feel validated and supported.
  • Be sensitive to possible “triggers” for the child such as holidays, special parent’s days, etc.
  • The Dougy Center for Grieving Children in Portland has a helpful booklet, “Helping the Grieving Student: A Guide for Teachers” ($9.95) which some parents have passed on to their children’s schools/teachers.
  • What students find most helpful is to have a safe person who will listen to them and understand.